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FBI Uncovers Al-Qaeda Plot To Just Sit Back And Enjoy Collapse Of United States | The Onion - America’s Finest News Source

A recent al-Qaeda video shows a militant training to carry out his mission of lying back and watching America’s status as a superpower erode

WASHINGTON—Putting the nation on alert against what it has described as a “highly credible terrorist threat,” the FBI announced today that it has uncovered a plot by members of al-Qaeda to sit back and enjoy themselves while the United States collapses of its own accord.

Multiple intelligence agencies confirmed that the militant Islamist organization and its numerous affiliates intend to carry out a massive, coordinated plan to stand aside and watch America’s increasingly rapid decline, with terrorist operatives across the globe reportedly mobilizing to take it easy, relax, and savor the spectacle as it unfolds.

“We have intercepted electronic communication indicating that al-Qaeda members are actively plotting to stay out of the way while America as we know it gradually crumbles under the weight of its own self-inflicted debt and disrepair,” FBI Deputy Director Mark F. Giuliano told the assembled press corps. “If this plan succeeds, it will leave behind a nation with a completely dysfunctional economy, collapsing infrastructure, and a catastrophic health crisis afflicting millions across the nation. We want to emphasize that this danger is very real.”

“And unfortunately, based on information we have from intelligence assets on the ground, this plot is already well under way,” he added.

A recently declassified CIA report confirmed that all known al-Qaeda-affiliated organizations—from Pakistan to Yemen, and from Somalia to Algeria—have been instructed to kick back and enjoy the show as the United States’ federal government, energy grid, and industrial sector are rendered impotent by internal dissent, decay, and mismanagement. According to statements made by top-level informants and corroborated by leading Western terrorism experts, if seen through to its conclusion, al-Qaeda’s current plot could wreak far more damage than the events of 9/11.

In the past year, money transfers to al-Qaeda cells around the world have reportedly been accompanied by instructions to use the funds to outfit safe houses with the proper equipment to receive American cable news broadcasts and view top U.S. news websites, allowing terrorists to fully relish each detail of the impending demise of the last global superpower.

Additionally, FBI officials made public an internal al-Qaeda video today in which the terrorist organization’s leader Ayman al-Zawahiri chillingly exhorts his followers to “take a load off” and “unwind” in the name of jihad, and really cherish the victory over their enemy.

“Praise Allah, for soon every American city shall be plagued with disaster and hardship,” al-Zawahiri said in the video, which includes several minutes of footage of young, masked al-Qaeda militants casually sipping beverages as they thumb through the latest issues of Time and U.S. News And World Report. “The infidels have brought this pain and destruction upon themselves through their arrogance and callousness. Soon, the United States will watch in horror as its bridges crumble, its desperate citizens suffer in want of medicine and paying employment, and its once vast riches are reduced to naught. The righteous warriors among our ranks must now unite, get comfortable, and look on from afar at the calamity unfolding in the West.”

“We vow that we will not cease sitting around and laughing it up until America is reduced to rubble,” he continued.

Al-Zawahiri, who is seen in the video reclining back in his chair, putting his feet up, and flipping on CNN, later shouts “Allahu Akbar!” when a story is aired about the decade-long trend of stagnant wages among American workers.

The FBI has also warned that numerous al-Qaeda agents may have established sleeper cells for the purpose of “getting a kick out of” the nation’s downfall on American soil. The bureau urged U.S. residents to use caution around schools, hospitals, legislative bodies, prisons, and other decaying institutions whose imminent failure terrorists may wish to observe up close.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, one high-ranking U.S. counterterrorism official has described the present situation as a massive failure of intelligence.

“The warning signs were there all along, but unfortunately we failed to heed them,” said the official, who advised Americans to brace for widespread devastation. “If we’d listened to experts or even our own common sense, we would’ve realized that this plot was being actively orchestrated within our own borders. But we didn’t, and now every one of our citizens and our very way of life is at risk from this threat.”

“Sadly, al-Qaeda has us right where they want us,” the official added, “and at this point, I fear it is too late to do anything about it.”

Responding to the allegations, a spokesperson for al-Qaeda reportedly confirmed the terror group’s plot and praised the American people as martyrs of the highest order.

***Good ole Onion!


The USPS wants to mine and sell data about your mail | The Daily Caller

United States Postal Service Letter Carrier Lakesha Dortch-Hardy sorts mail at the Lincoln Park carriers annex in Chicago, November 29, 2012. The USPS, which relies on the sale of stamps and other products rather than taxpayer dollars, has been grappling for years with high costs and tumbling mail volumes as consumers communicate more online.  REUTERS/John Gress (UNITED STATES - Tags: SOCIETY BUSINESS EMPLOYMENT) - RTR3CKKA  

The USPS wants to mine and sell data gathered from your mail

The United States Postal Service is looking to get in on the big-data-for-profit game played by tech giants like Facebook and Google, and begin mining and selling private data gathered from personal mail sent from and received by Americans everywhere.

USPS chief marketing and sales officer Nagisa Manabe recently told the forward-looking PostalVision 2020 conference that the post office is “actively looking for ways to build new business lines around what not long ago might have been considered science fiction,” eCommerce Bytes reports.

While some of those ideas included new delivery services from partnerships like grocery chains, others seek to increase revenues from advertising by mining, storing and analyzing customer data. By mapping those datasets and determining consumer behavior, advertisers and retailers could target more effectively through traditional mail, much the same way Facebook and Google target ads based on search, profile, email and other data.

Manabe described an example scenario in which a woman test drives two different types of cars and two different dealerships while trying to decide which to buy.

“We’re at the point where, all too soon… We’re going to know exactly that she was shopping at two different car dealers looking at cars, and both of those car dealers should be mailing her communication about that vehicle, right?” Manabe said. “And we’re there now, folks. I mean, you all know this. There are dozens of folks out there who are supplying that kind of information. If we’re not testing and exploring some of that together, we should.”

Manabe described the obvious marketing opportunity as too big for USPS to pass up in the emerging digital world.

“As we know more and more about how consumers are traveling around and making their decisions, it behooves us to get involved and actually send them information to actually close the deal,” Manabe said. “For me, it’s all about speed and accuracy of the mail.”


Charlie Daniels: Harry Reid should be in jail for ‘impersonating an American’ - National Policy & Issues |

Country music legend Charlie Daniels says Harry Reid should be in jail for "impersonating an American."

On Thursday, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid called supporters of the Bundy ranchdomestic terrorists" and questioned their patriotism. Country music star Charlie Daniels responded the same day with a tweet saying Reid should be in jail for “impersonating an American.”

"Harry Reid you should be put in jail for impersonating an American," he tweeted.

"Ouch!" the Twitchy staff wrote. A number of people agreed.

"AMEN Charlie!! I second that motion," one person said.

"Please keep the light shined on this cockroach @SenatorReid & his punk kids too @CharlieDaniels -you’ve got a powerful torch to do it," another person added.

Others suggested Obama also be thrown in jail. One Twitter user said that Reid would have been hung for his actions in the days of the wild west.

As we reported earlier today, Reid told the Las Vegas Review-Journal those who supported Bundy are “domestic terrorists” armed with fully automatic rifles. Additionally, he accused Bundy of not paying taxes and not recognizing the United States.

The Nevada Democrat also said he spoke with Attorney General Eric Holder, FBI leaders and Clark County Sheriff Doug Gillespie about the situation with the Bundy ranch. While speaking with reporters, he indicated that a task force is being set up, and hinted of further action.

“It is an issue that we cannot let go, just walk away from,” he said. Earlier in the week, he said the dispute is “not over.”

Reid has also attacked private citizens, specifically the Koch brothers, calling them un-American, while blaming them for everything that is happening in the world. In April, he made the baseless charge the Kochs pay no corporate taxes but had to backtrack after a lawyer with the Koch brothers responded.

A page on Reid’s taxpayer-funded website is dedicated to attacking the Koch brothers, featuring a video from MSNBC’s “Politics Nation.” That page, as we reported in April, violates Senate rules regarding the use of taxpayer-funded Internet resources.

More than once, Reid has attacked the Tea Party as anarchists, falsely claiming the pro-Constitution, small government movement is part of a well-funded conspiracy to destroy the federal government. Last August, he falsely claimed that opposition to Obama is rooted in racism and claimed Mitt Romney paid no taxes for 10 years during the 2012 election.

On Saturday, the Bureau of Land Management backed down in its efforts to confiscate Cliven Bundy’s cattle, leaving a trail of destruction in its wake. The stand-down came one day after news reports tied Reid and his son, Rory, to a project making the land available for a Chinese-built solar power facility.

The BLM has said it would pursue the matter of Bundy’s grazing fees through administrative and judicial means. But reports have many concerned that federal agents will be back to finish the job.


Inevitable: Downfall Parody of Bloomberg Reacting to Facebook Squatters

You knew it was coming: a Downfall parody of Michael Bloomberg reacting to the news that real gun safety advocates acquired dozens of “Everytown for Gun Safety” Facebook pages before his “crack staff” could set up these pages themselves.

Via out friends at The Gunwire.



The Obama admin is delaying the Keystone XL review process through the election. Yes, again. « Hot Air

The déjà vu is smacking me in the face right now. Just take a quick gander at this NYT piece from November of 2011, and then soak in the similarities of the latest from Time:

The State Department said Friday that while the public comment period will not be extended, executive agencies need more time to review the submitted comments as well as consider a Nebraska court case surrounding the pipeline. The indefinite extension could put off a decision on the pipeline, which would carry crude oil from Canadian tar sands to American refineries, until after November’s midterm elections.

“On April 18, 2014, the Department of State notified the eight federal agencies specified in Executive Order 13337 we will provide more time for the submission of their views on the proposed Keystone Pipeline Project,” the department said in a statement. “Agencies need additional time based on the uncertainty created by the on-going litigation in the Nebraska Supreme Court which could ultimately affect the pipeline route in that state. In addition, during this time we will review and appropriately consider the unprecedented number of new public comments, approximately 2.5 million, received during the public comment period that closed on March 7, 2014.

“The Permit process will conclude once factors that have a significant impact on determining the national interest of the proposed project have been evaluated and appropriately reflected in the decision documents,” the State Department statement continued. “The Department will give the agencies sufficient time to submit their views.”

Which is to say, “the Permit process will conclude” whenever we damn well please.


Deputy Sheriff Shoots Himself While Trying To Kill Family Pet

I’ll chalk this up to a training issue one two fronts.

  1. Officers are allowed to be more “gun free” than they once were.
  2. Officers are not very well trained with their guns in most departments.

In this instance, a deputy serving an eviction notice saw a dog bark at him as he came onto the fenced-in property (as almost any dog will) and he responded by attempting to draw his gun and shoot the dog.


It didn’t go as planned:

A Riverside County sheriff’s deputy was hospitalized Wednesday after accidentally shooting himself in the leg when a large dog approached him at a Riverside home.

A Riverside County sheriff’s spokesperson said the deputy was serving court documents to a resident in the 3000 block of Eucalyptus Avenue at about 2 p.m. when a dog came at him aggressively.

Even after he was downed by his own shot, the dog never attacked the officer. As the dog was on it’s own property, didn’t attack the deputy, and was, well simply being a dog, no charges are going to be filed against the dog or its owner (who was not the target of the eviction notice).

Hopefully, the deputy will learn for this bit of karma and the next time he encounters a barking dog, he will take a moment to see if a dog is actually a threat before attempting to kill it.


Report: More than 100,000 gang members in Texas | The Daily Caller

A member of the Hidalgo County Gang Enforcement Unit holds a picture showing tattoos that identify gang members called "Tri-City Bombers", referring to three cities in Hidalgo County, at his office in Edinburg, Texas, in this April 13, 2009 file photo. Gangs and their culture of violence, drugs and crime are one of America  

Report: More than 100,000 gang members in Texas

Current gang membership in the state of Texas may exceed 100,000 individuals, according to the Texas Department of Public Safety (DPS).

In a lengthy examination of gang activity in the state DPS officials revealed that they believe the number of gang members may exceed 100,000 people, participating in more than 4,600 identified gangs in the state.

“This estimate is consistent with available information on gang membership nationally and within Texas. The National Gang Intelligence Center, for example, estimated in 2011 that there are 1.4 million gang members nationwide — a 40-percent increase from 2009,” the report, released Thursday, reads.

According to authorities, many of the gangs work with Mexican cartels to smuggle contraband like drugs, weapons, people and money across the border.

“Texas-based gangs, gang members, and their associates are active in both human smuggling and human trafficking, which often includes sex trafficking and compelling prostitution of adult and minor victims,” the report reads. “Gangs and gang members are attracted to the lucrative nature of this activity due to the potential for large and renewable profits and the perceived lower risk of detection. Gangs with access to alien smuggling organizations (ASOs) are often sought out to assist in the smuggling of illegal aliens into the United States. Gang members are involved in the human trafficking of both international and domestic victims.”

The most dangerous gangs, according to DPS, are Tango Blast and Tango Cliques, which officials estimate have more than 8,200 members. Officials also point to Texas Syndicate with more than 4,400 members, the Texas Mexican Mafia with more than 5,500 members, and Barrio Azteca with more than 2,000 members as the other most dangerous gangs.

DPS reports that of the incarcerated members of the most dangerous levels of gangs more than half are serving sentences for a violent crime.

ANOTHER Detroit Home Invader Dies, But The Homeowner May Be In Trouble


    Detroit’s criminal class isn’t intelligent, but they sure are consistent:

    Detroit police say one man is dead after a shootout between a Rosedale Park homeowner and suspected home invaders.

    “Family members and the homeowner were in the basement playing video games when they heard noise upstairs and footsteps inside of the home,” said Detroit Police Sgt. Michael Woody, Detroit Police.

    Police said two men broke into a home, with a third waiting in a getaway car. The duo tried to escape when they were confronted by the family in the home, on the 15000 block of Glastonbury Ave.

    “There were shots fired in the home before the two suspects busted through the front door,” said Sgt. Woody. ”That’s when the two suspects fired shots at the homeowner from outside, the homeowner returned fire striking the driver in the car.”

    The two got away but the getaway driver was fatally hit, causing the car to crash into a neighboring home and injure a 29-year-old woman.

    So the homeowner drove the bad guys out of his home and saved his family… it’s too bad the story doesn’t end there.

    Unfortunately, authorities are hinting that the homeowner may end up facing criminal charges, and there are the distinct possibility of civil charges, all because he because he apparently pursued the bad guys beyond the threshold of his home.

    In a worst-case scenario, he could face the following (hypothetically speaking):

    • criminal charges for pursuing the suspects and shooting of the getaway car driver.
    • civil charges from the family of the getaway car driver.
    • civil charges from the homeowner of the house that was hit by the getaway car.
    • civil charges by the person inside the home hit by the getaway car for injuries that were a result of the shots that killed the getaway driver.

    Learn from this homeowner’s mistake, and never make the mistake of turning a defensive gun use into a pursuit.


    Original Big surprise for Bride and Groom…Chris and Leah Wedding 5 April 2014 

    We join together here today,
    To help two people on their way,
    As Leah and Chris start their life together,
    And now they’ve reached their special date,
    We’ve come to help them celebrate,
    And show them how much we ALL love them too, YEAH!
    Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah
    As Leah‘s walking up the aisle,
    And Chris looks up and gives a smile,
    The love that flows between them fills the church, YEAH!
    With Leah’s friends and family at  her side,
    She really is the blushing bride,
    With love and pride they lead her
    Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah
    With the priest and the family who lead the prayers,
    We say our lines and they say theirs,
    I guide them through the ceremony, IN UNION
    And in this house of God above,
    They join their hands to show their love,
    And say those most important words I DO, YEAH!,
    Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah
    Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah

    Taste the poor

    funny pictures

    ‘Ridiculous’: Administration punts on Keystone, Obama faces Dem revolt | Fox News


    FILE: February 17, 2012: Protestors rallied in front of the Lamar County courthouse before a hearing on the Keystone pipeline in Paris, Texas.REUTERS

    The Obama administration once again has punted on a final decision for the Keystone XL pipeline, announcing ahead of the holiday weekend it is extending a key review period indefinitely — a move that could push off a determination until after the midterm elections. 

    Republicans, as well as red-state Democrats who want the proposed Canada-to-Texas pipeline approved, slammed the administration for the delay. Democrats even threatened to find ways to go around the president to get the project approved. 

    "It’s absolutely ridiculous that this well over five year long process is continuing for an undetermined amount of time," Sen. Heidi Heitkamp, D-N.D., said in a statement. 

    Republican Nebraska Rep. Lee Terry called the decision “shameful,” noting that another spring construction season will come and go without the project. 

    The administration had been in the middle of a 90-day review period for federal agencies assessing an environmental study from the State Department.


    Group Plans Protest Over Cinco de Mayo American Flag Shirt Incident

    San Francisco NBC affiliate KNTV reports a peaceful protest is planned on Cinco de Mayo holiday in front of the San Francisco Bay area’s Four Live Oak High School.

    The protest stems from a the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals decision to uphold a federal judge’s ruling that school administrators had acted appropriately in asking students to turn shirts with American flags inside out in the Cinco de Mayo holiday in 2010 out fear it “would enflame the passions of students celebrating the holiday”…

    'Earth's Cousin': Scientists Find Alien Planet That's Most Like Home - NBC

    Scientists say a world that’s 490 light-years away qualifies as the first confirmed Earth-sized exoplanet that could sustain life as we know it — but in an environment like nothing we’ve ever seen.

    The planet, known as Kepler-186f, is “more of an Earth cousin than an Earth twin,” Elisa Quintana, an astronomer at the SETI Institute at NASA Ames Research Center, told the journal Science. Quintana is the lead author of a report on the planet published by Science this week.

    "This discovery does confirm that Earth-sized planets do exist in the habitable zones of other stars," Quintana said during a Thursday news briefing at NASA Headquarters.

    Kepler-186f goes around an M-type dwarf star that’s smaller and cooler than our sun. But it orbits much closer to its parent star than Earth does, within what would be Mercury’s orbit in our own solar system. Those two factors combine to produce an environment that could allow for liquid water on the surface, assuming that the planet had a heat-trapping atmosphere.

    "The star, to our eyes, would look slightly orange-y," about a third again as big as our sun but only a third as bright, said co-author Thomas Barclay, a staff scientist for NASA’s Kepler mission who is also affiliated with NASA and the Bay Area Environmental Research Institute. At midday, Kepler-186f’s landscape might look similar to what we see on Earth an hour before sunset, he told NBC News.

    Artwork: View of Kepler-186fDanielle Futselaar

    This artwork provides a speculative view of a landscape on Kepler-186f, an Earth-sized planet orbiting a faraway M-class dwarf star.

    Or it might not: If the planet lacked an atmosphere to retain and redistribute its sun’s warmth, it would be a cold, dry, lifeless world.

    Kepler-186f probably rates as the most potentially Earthlike planet discovered so far, said Jim Kasting, a geoscientist at Penn State University who did not play a role in the Science study. But he told NBC News that it’s still “less likely to be habitable than planets around more sunlike stars.” Even better prospects for alien habitability might well be identified in the months and years to come.

    How the world was found

    Kepler-186f is just the latest discovery to be pulled out of terabytes’ worth of data collected by the Kepler mission. Before it went on the fritz last year, the Kepler space telescope stared at more than 150,000 stars in a patch of sky, looking for the telltale dimming of starlight as planets passed over the stars’ disks. Nearly 1,000 exoplanets have been confirmed using Kepler data, and almost 3,000 more candidates are still awaiting confirmation.

    It takes years of observation to confirm the pattern of dimming and brightening that’s associated with alien planets, particularly if the planets are small and far from their parent stars. In February, astronomers reported that at least four worlds circled the dwarf star known as Kepler-186 or KOI-571. In this week’s Science paper, Quintana and her colleagues confirm the existence of Kepler-186f as the fifth and outermost world.

    Image: Planet comparisonsNASA Ames / SETI Institute / JPL-Caltech

    This diagram compares the planets of the inner solar system with Kepler-186, a five-planet system about 490 light-years from Earth in the constellation Cygnus. The greenish rings indicate each star’s habitable zone - the orbital region where liquid water could conceivably exist on a planet’s surface.

    They report that Kepler-186f is about 10 percent wider than Earth, tracing a 130-day orbit around its sun at a mean distance of 0.35 astronomical units. (An astronomical unit is the distance between Earth and our sun, which is 93 million miles or 150 million kilometers.) That would put Kepler-186f on the cooler, outer side of the star’s habitable zone — the range of orbital distances where liquid water could exist on a planet’s surface.


    Big Data or Big Brother? The Design Flaw Threatening Uncle Sam’s Big Data Healthcare Plan—And How To Fix It

    A big front-page story, and a scary headline, in the April 16 Washington Post: “Patient-records plan faces ethical pitfalls.” “Ethical pitfalls”? Yikes! Alert the privacy police! That is, the enforcers on the right, as well as the left!   

    Could our personal medical records fall into the hands of unethical employers, who will use them to discriminate? Or could our records fall into the hands of the Obamacare powercrats, who will use them to manipulate? Could institutional oppression, and the black helicopters, be far behind?  

    The subhead of the Post article, appearing above the fold on the hard-copy of the paper, was more reassuring: “Huge data project offers a research bonanza if issues are resolved.” (Interestingly, the online headline was different—and much more positive: “Scientists embark on unprecedented effort to connect millions of patient medical records.”)

    The potential health benefits of big data, as we shall see, are enormous. So it’s unfortunate that a basic design flaw in the federal government’s approach to big data threatens to put a public-opinion roadblock in front of the whole enterprise.  

    Yet in the meantime, that header in the Post, citing “ethical pitfalls,” could be enough to energize the opposition of the Tea Party, the ACLU, and the trial lawyers—a trans-ideological trifecta. And while there’s nothing wrong with eternal vigilance, it would be a shame if the huge health value of new discoveries were to be shut down by misinformation. After all, big data in medicine is a thrilling prospect: the fusing of traditional medical research and the new power of Moore’s Law. Such “fusion power” ought not to be lost in a tangle of suspicion, regulation, and litigation.  

    The subject of the Post story is the Patient-Centered Outcomes Research Institute (PCORI), a federal agency created in 2010 by the Affordable Care Act, aka, Obamacare. To be sure, those governmental origins will make PCORI deeply suspect in the eyes of many Americans; folks will not be reassured to read its “mission and vision” statement, which declares that it “helps people make informed healthcare decisions, and improves healthcare delivery and outcomes, by producing and promoting high integrity, evidence-based information that comes from research guided by patients, caregivers and the broader healthcare community.”  Yes, those smooth words all sound great; indeed, one might think they’ve been filtered through a focus group—you know, sort of like the notorious spinline, “If you like your plan, you can keep your plan.”